Raw emotions

"When people show you who you are, believe them."

I am learning this.

I cannot believe I fell for it again. Two of my friends that had hurt me so badly had reached out to me, and both had said they felt bad that they hadn't been better friends. They were sorry and wanted to do better and be there for me.

I said I really appreciated it, it meant a lot, thank you.

They took me out for coffee.

And a month later I haven't heard a peep from either of them.
Not one text. not one phone call. Not one visit. Nada

And it hurts all over again. Those wounds that were starting to close, those hurts that I was beginning to work through and learn to forgive ripped wide open again.

And back to square one.

It's hard to forgive. Harder when the person you are forgiving is someone you love very much. Someone who was close, who you trusted and counted on. Someone you thought would be different and who really surprised and disappointed you.

And then they apoligize and you start to deal with it. I even said sorry to them. I said I knew I had been distant, kind of grouchy and sad and probably not the most fun to be around. I said I knew I hadn't been making much effort either, but I also explained that I was really struggling and finding that being social was hard. I explained that I just didn't have it in my right now and am very tired and fighting depression.

When one person struggles, shouldn;t the other person be the one to reach out? The struggling person shouldn't be held responsible for it when they are already overwhelmed. That's what friends are for. They reach out to you and help you carry your load. They do for you what you cannot do for yourself. They understand why you are not always super happy, they love you anyway.

I know that what I need to do is forgive. Acknowledge my own part in it - that I haven't been the most easy person to love, that I have at times been rude or quiet or mopey. That I have been sensitive and easily offended.

I am trying but it is really not happening. I want to forgive, because I hope that it means the hurt will lessen. When I really think about it, the hurt overwhelms me.

I know I have to move on. Realize that these friendships were not what I was seeking all along. They were not "real" in the way I thought they were. Ever. I was just not aware of it. I know I need to leave that in the past, and work toward nurturing the friendships I do have. Because I do have some true friends. And they deserve my best.

Its so hard. So hard. Two steps forward one step back. Every day.

I just cant believe that after 3, 4 years of tight friendship that all they will be to me now is just someone I smile and say hello to when I pass. someone who might "like" my photos on facebook and who I will make polite chit chat with when we find ourselves in the same space.

Will it ever get easier?