Monday, July 25, 2016


I have been having nightmares lately. Most nights I lay awake worrying until about 1 am. I also tend to stress eat at night, which probably doesn't help matters as I often feel bloated and crappy from eating right before bed.

I sleep with lights on. I lock the baby gate, push the dishwasher in front of the deck door. Double check all the doors are locked, turn on a porch light. Close all the doors downstairs. I keep a knife by my bed and my phone on the charger. I toss and turn and when I finally fall asleep it's night mares/

Last night I had the most vivid dream about a sniper. I was in my old house on Hamilton Avenue, hiding in my old bedroom. There was a sniper across the street - a man with a beard and a gun who kept shooting out the windows and trying to hit me. I crawled on the floor and hid behind walls, and he moved around the outside trying to get a view of me so he could take me out. At some parts of the dream I had a little girl I was carrying and trying to shield.

I dream a variety of things, from David getting hit by a car, to dying, drowning, running from things. I wake up and they are so real and vivid that I actually have to talk myself into calming down and convincing myself they aren't real. My heart races and I feel terrified. I usually can go to sleep after that and get a few hours of sleep...and I am never ready to wake up when the alarm goes off. It's so hard to get up and I am always so tired. I just can't sleep.

That's what life feels like lately. Like I am running and hiding and dodging while someone is trying to attack me. In a way that is what is happening. The devil is constantly shooting darts, attacking whenever I make a move.

He tells me lies. Tells me we are going to be financially ruined. We will never sell this house. We will never find a suitable house we can afford. We will be living in an awful tiny house that I will hate. We will get stuck living apart for another year. We are damaging our kids. This is going to be too hard. The kids will never adjust. They will be mad at us. We will be broke. We will never make new friends. I will be lonely. I won't find a job. Who will take care of our kids when we need help? Will I find things to do? Will I feel fulfilled?

I have to be on my guard. I need to quit hiding and dodging and fight back. I need to put on my armor and stand up.

God is who He says He is. He always does what He says He can do. He loves me and has a good plan for me, and He knows the future and is working out the best plan for us. He will provide for us. He will take care of us and make our way known when the time is right.

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