On top of the world

It has been three weeks since we finally made the big move.

It feels pretty awesome.

We are in a much smaller place, and it's definitely much more of a starter home and a bit humbling. But we fit comfortably and we really like it. It's cute, cozy and doesn't need renovating. Just some new light fixtures, paint, and a few small projects.

The town is great! It's so lush and green, and we are finding a lot to explore and to keep us busy. The library is amazing, we love our new church.

It's a bit lonely and I have sad days sometimes. We don't really know anyone and there is not much for moms during the summer. In the fall I will join the church bible study, the school PAC, etc. but over summer there isn't a lot of places to meet people. People are very friendly at church, but a few short conversations on Sunday mornings don't really carry you through the week. But I have no fear about it - I am sure with time we will find friends here.

I am still in recovery, I feel like haha. Going grocery shopping for the first time alone in almost a year was amazing. I felt guilty the entire time though.

I am doing a lot of reading. I have devoured two books per week so far since we have been here. I have been going for walks after the girls are in bed in the evenings, and loving the freedom. I had lots of quiet evenings alone before, but always the stress and pressure was there. Also even when the kids are asleep, I felt like I was always on mom duty and had one ear out for them and could never fully relax. Now I can take a walk and literally not have to worry about a thing. I have to force myself to relax and tell myself  "You don't have to rush as fast as you can to get back to the babysitter! Relax!"

I have been eating lunch leisurely at the table. Sitting down and everything! I sleep in until 7:30 or 8, and it feels so amazing letting my body get the sleep it wants. I have pretty much quit drinking coffee, because I don't feel like I need it anymore aside from a cup once in a while on weekend mornings just for the pure pleasure of it. My headaches are gone. I am meal planning and making lots of healthy meals. I even baked bread yesterday for the first time in a couple years!

Life is good. I know it won't always be like this, but I am really enjoying this "Mountaintop" time after walking through a deep valley for the last year. A season of rest always seems to follow a time of hardship, and I know it means hard times are ahead, but for now I am not going to worry about it and just enjoy.

Being a single mom is hard

We have lived apart for almost nine months. It has been hard. Really hard. Hard is ways that I never imagined. And easy. In ways I didn't expect. It's been emotional, scary, stretching and exciting.

How has it been hard? It's been hard in all the ways you would expect. I am lonely. I am tired from doing everything myself, from single parenting. Our marriage isn't really a marriage. It's just texting, a few short phone calls a week and occasional weekend visits in which we try to cram in family time, big important discussions, a parenting break for me and some special time for us.

How has it been easy? Well, I have the house to myself. I can put out girlie things and not get flack for it. I can put pretty things on the coffee table and not find them all pushed aside to make room for his feet. The throw pillows are always where I left them. The cheese grater and colander are always in the same spot instead of in random places because he never learned where they went but liked to help by emptying the dishwasher. It's nice not having so much dirty laundry, so much mess. I don't feel the pressure to cook dinner and when I do, I make whatever I want which means lots of chicken, mushrooms, pasta, and veggies. No one complains about how I do things, stinks up the bathroom or has to be consulted about mundane decisions.

In some ways it has been fun. I have the house to myself at night, and I like the alone time. I watch whatever I want on tv, and I like having the bed to myself. The girls and I have had some special times like sleepovers in my bed, late night movies and snuggly saturday mornings. It is just a different atmosphere when the entire house is girls and sometimes that is fun!

It has been hard in ways I never planned or expected though. I am used to him being gone regularly for short trips. I didn't expect the fear at night. I keep a big knife in my room, I won't sleep with the windows open even on hot nights. I double check the doors are locked, I close the baby gate and keep a light on and my phone by the bed. I didn't expect to wake with every noise, to be afraid sometimes and unable to sleep. The cat prowling the halls would scare me a lot. Neighbors being loud made me afraid. I put the dishwasher in front of the deck door, put laundry baskets in front of my patio doors and slept with lights on some nights.

I have had moments of needing to depend on others. It's humbling and makes me feel like I am not as strong or independant as I thought I was. That I am not able to do "life" on my own. I need help to figure out how to light the furnace. I need help to change my oil. I do a crappy job of washing the car no matter how I try. Every time I have something important to do I need a babysitter.

I have to bring the girls with me everywhere. I suddenly appreciated a quick run to the store a lot more, when I had to drag two kids along and it took three times as long. Every errand, every appointment had two kids along and they were great but man I miss having ten minutes alone to run out for milk. Even when they were in bed, I would get into a hot bath and then have to get out because a kid woke up crying. Or I would try to walk on the treadmill and then keep imagining I hear them crying so I just quit.

Sometimes I would just cry. Emotions hit at odd times. Some days I could not stop crying I would just cry all day on and off.

Some days I was mad at my husband for taking the new job. Mad at God. Mad because of this situation. Mad because our house wasn't selling, mad at David for taking the job. Mad at him for not figuring out a way for us to move together and leaving me here. Mad at myself for agreeing to this. Mad at my friends for not being helpful and supportive. Mad at my family for being too helpful and supportive sometimes, leaving me feeling smothered or guilty for taking up so much of their time. Mad at my neighbors who sold their house in a few weeks after sticking up a sign from the dollar store in their flower bed (Which I know is stupid and I am not really mad at them, but jealousy does strange things).

I feel so worn down. I feel like a frumpy, tired mess. I have let myself go. I am always tired and I am eating like crap because I am depressed. I don't have energy to cook nice meals for just me, so it's a lot of cereal and frozen food. I am drinking too much coffee and not enough water. I am staying up way to late at night because I can't sleep. My stress level is high and I am grinding my teeth a lot, which leads to jaw pain and headaches. The house is too big for  me to manage so either the lawn is mowed but the laundry isn't done, or the sheets are clean but the floors didn't get mopped. It drives me nuts but I can't seem to get it all done in a day when I am also trying to do all the bills, errands, shopping, wash the van, gas it up, keep the kids clean and fed, pack lunches, and work.

I have no idea how single moms do it. I mean if this was a permanent thing, I would be moving to a much smaller place which would definitely help a ton. But still not getting a break, trying to fit it all into a day and not having anyone to talk to or help make decisions or spell you off.... Its hard.

I hope one day I can bless a single mom or two who are in this situation. I know now how it feels, and I want to help someone else in this situation one day.

Nightmares

I have been having nightmares lately. Most nights I lay awake worrying until about 1 am. I also tend to stress eat at night, which probably doesn't help matters as I often feel bloated and crappy from eating right before bed.

I sleep with lights on. I lock the baby gate, push the dishwasher in front of the deck door. Double check all the doors are locked, turn on a porch light. Close all the doors downstairs. I keep a knife by my bed and my phone on the charger. I toss and turn and when I finally fall asleep it's night mares/

Last night I had the most vivid dream about a sniper. I was in my old house on Hamilton Avenue, hiding in my old bedroom. There was a sniper across the street - a man with a beard and a gun who kept shooting out the windows and trying to hit me. I crawled on the floor and hid behind walls, and he moved around the outside trying to get a view of me so he could take me out. At some parts of the dream I had a little girl I was carrying and trying to shield.

I dream a variety of things, from David getting hit by a car, to dying, drowning, running from things. I wake up and they are so real and vivid that I actually have to talk myself into calming down and convincing myself they aren't real. My heart races and I feel terrified. I usually can go to sleep after that and get a few hours of sleep...and I am never ready to wake up when the alarm goes off. It's so hard to get up and I am always so tired. I just can't sleep.

That's what life feels like lately. Like I am running and hiding and dodging while someone is trying to attack me. In a way that is what is happening. The devil is constantly shooting darts, attacking whenever I make a move.

He tells me lies. Tells me we are going to be financially ruined. We will never sell this house. We will never find a suitable house we can afford. We will be living in an awful tiny house that I will hate. We will get stuck living apart for another year. We are damaging our kids. This is going to be too hard. The kids will never adjust. They will be mad at us. We will be broke. We will never make new friends. I will be lonely. I won't find a job. Who will take care of our kids when we need help? Will I find things to do? Will I feel fulfilled?

I have to be on my guard. I need to quit hiding and dodging and fight back. I need to put on my armor and stand up.

God is who He says He is. He always does what He says He can do. He loves me and has a good plan for me, and He knows the future and is working out the best plan for us. He will provide for us. He will take care of us and make our way known when the time is right.

Raw emotions

"When people show you who you are, believe them."

I am learning this.

I cannot believe I fell for it again. Two of my friends that had hurt me so badly had reached out to me, and both had said they felt bad that they hadn't been better friends. They were sorry and wanted to do better and be there for me.

I said I really appreciated it, it meant a lot, thank you.

They took me out for coffee.

And a month later I haven't heard a peep from either of them.
Not one text. not one phone call. Not one visit. Nada

And it hurts all over again. Those wounds that were starting to close, those hurts that I was beginning to work through and learn to forgive ripped wide open again.

And back to square one.

It's hard to forgive. Harder when the person you are forgiving is someone you love very much. Someone who was close, who you trusted and counted on. Someone you thought would be different and who really surprised and disappointed you.

And then they apoligize and you start to deal with it. I even said sorry to them. I said I knew I had been distant, kind of grouchy and sad and probably not the most fun to be around. I said I knew I hadn't been making much effort either, but I also explained that I was really struggling and finding that being social was hard. I explained that I just didn't have it in my right now and am very tired and fighting depression.

When one person struggles, shouldn;t the other person be the one to reach out? The struggling person shouldn't be held responsible for it when they are already overwhelmed. That's what friends are for. They reach out to you and help you carry your load. They do for you what you cannot do for yourself. They understand why you are not always super happy, they love you anyway.

I know that what I need to do is forgive. Acknowledge my own part in it - that I haven't been the most easy person to love, that I have at times been rude or quiet or mopey. That I have been sensitive and easily offended.

I am trying but it is really not happening. I want to forgive, because I hope that it means the hurt will lessen. When I really think about it, the hurt overwhelms me.

I know I have to move on. Realize that these friendships were not what I was seeking all along. They were not "real" in the way I thought they were. Ever. I was just not aware of it. I know I need to leave that in the past, and work toward nurturing the friendships I do have. Because I do have some true friends. And they deserve my best.

Its so hard. So hard. Two steps forward one step back. Every day.

I just cant believe that after 3, 4 years of tight friendship that all they will be to me now is just someone I smile and say hello to when I pass. someone who might "like" my photos on facebook and who I will make polite chit chat with when we find ourselves in the same space.

Will it ever get easier?

When friends let you down

Four months ago, we had a pretty big life change. One that will ultimately work out for the positive, but is temporarily really tough.

We are currently living apart due to some work circumstances. And not just "away during the week and home on the weekends" type of living apart. He gets to come home for a weekend or occasionally a week about every 4-6 weeks.

6 weeks is a long time. It's really long when you have two small children, a job, and a huge house to clean and maintain. It's long when you don't get a break from parenting aside from being at work, and you are dealing with all the ins and outs of daily life by yourself when you have a lifestyle that was set up for two people to equally share the work.

We have amazing help and support from our parents. They provide childcare when I am at work, have us over for dinner, wash my van and drag my garbage cans in from the street before I get home from work. They have let me cry on them, listened to me complain, and helped me with my furnace. I am so grateful for them.

But I feel like they are all that I have.

Before my husband moved away, we had a tight knit group of friends. We had the type of friendship where we took turns helping each other out, walking through life's struggles together, and celebrating life's highs. We have knocked down walls together, painted rooms, stacked firewood, painted furniture, finished sewing projects. Listened to each other, prayed for each other, offered parenting advice and free babysitting back and forth. We have cried together, prayed together. Walked through parents' divorces, deaths, miscarriages, money troubles.

But ever since my husband moved it feels like that group friendship has slowly started to close over, and that we are already on the outside.

And I feel so selfish even saying that.

I know that in an emergency, any of them would be at my house in a heartbeat. One of them babysat my daughter just last week!

I guess I just thought it would be different. I thought it would be our turn to have the group pray over us and our big life change. I thought we would have a turn to have a few meals delivered to us, or a goodbye party for my husband. Or something.

I don't know what I thought, aside from that I thought there would be a sense of support, a feeling that these other families would be walking through this with us, supporting us and praying for us. Filling in the some of the gaping hole left by my husband's absence. Some texts checking in on how I am doing, or reminders that they are praying for us.

It hasn't  been like that at all. In fact, I find more and more than whenever I socialize with my friends that I am spending the whole time listening to their problems and complaints, trying to be understanding but feeling like their problem is so small and I long for the days when all I had to complain about was my husband working late or some comment my rude aunt made. It is exhaughsting trying to be interested in things that just seem not to matter at all to me anymore. It's hard to listen to someone's problems over and over, when you also have some big life struggles and not one person has even checked in with you to ask how it is going.

I know friendship goes both ways. I can't expect to just wrap myself in a blanket of "Help me I'm sad" and expect a constant parade of head pats and "poor you's". I know that. And I also know that one of the best ways to feel better is to help somebody else, to get your mind off your problems and do good.

I can sit with them, and spend 2 hours talking. Not once will anyone ask how my husband is doing. How I am doing, or how my kids are. I have mentioned that they are having anxiety. They know we moved the girls into a shared bedroom due to how upset and anxious they have been since Daddy left. They have seen my 2 year old freak out over nothing and be extra clingy. They just carry on talking about their things and I try to listen and be kind and gentle with my answers. I try not to be angry inside.

And I go home tired. It's hard work pretending to care about trivial things when you feel like the weight of the world is on you. It's hard to pretend to be interested in funny things kids say, or the latest Pinterest project when you haven't seen your husband in a month and you feel so lonely, overworked, and stressed.

I feel like friendship is draining. There is no encouragement or life in it for me. And I know friendship is not just about me. It's give and take, it's being there for them. Encouraging them. Listening to them.

But I have spent 4 months doing this. I have tried to be a sweet, kind friend all the while feeling invisible and forgotten. Hurt. Insignificant in their eyes. After 4 months I feel done. I feel like I have done all the things I should, and it still hasn't yielded any sort of return even though I am making genuine effort to invest in it. I have brought a friend meals who had a baby. Helped a friend scrape wallpaper. Babysat for another. Bought a birthday cake and showed up at one's house with a gift in hand to celebrate a milestone birthday for her.

I dread social things. It is so tiring. It's hard to fake it all the time and feel yet again like no one cares enough about your life to even ask after you.

I feel stressed when I get asked to do something with friends. The invitations are pretty sparse - I guess they know we are moving and have already started to exclude me. And I guess despite my efforts, I am probably not the cheeriest person to be around.

I thought they would think I was worth the effort though. That they would understand why I might be quieter than usual. I thought I would matter enough for them to still want to spend time with me, even on days when I can't stop crying or I am miserably grumpy. I thought they would know how hard life is for me and surround me in prayer, encouraging me and offering to help share my load.

Is something wrong with me? Are they glad to be getting rid of me soon? Am I annoying and a Debbie Downer even though I am trying really hard not to talk about my problems and be extra cheerful on the outside? Am I not important to them?

My heart hurts.

I feel alone.I need a friend who will just show up with some chocolate and say "Want to talk?"  I need a friend who will say "I know you haven't seen your husband in a month, so I'd really like to take your kids for an hour so you can go grocery shopping alone." I need a friend who texts "I'm praying for you today!" or "How are you doing this week?"

I have tried so hard to be this for them. I am sure there have been times when I have dropped the ball. When I haven't been as supportive as I could have been, or my prayers have been short and not very regular. But at the same time, I KNOW. I KNOW I have been there for them in many ways. I have been at the hospital with them. Delivered meals, bought gifts, written those exact sorts of texts I listed above. Maybe I should have done it more. But I did do those things. I still do.


I don't know where I am going with this. My heart hurts. It feels raw and the slightest thing just seems to hurt more than usual. I am sensitive. Lonely. Lost. Scared. Feeling less than. Feeling forgotten.

And I think I feel used.

Seasons of Life

I am in a season of weariness. Working 2 jobs, raising 2 girls.

 Taking care of other people's children for a living is very fun and rewarding, but it also means that you experience the temper tantrums, potty training, the giant messes, the diaper changes, and the runny noses over and over again . . . times 8.

For most moms things come in phases. The "potty training" phase. The "tantrum" phase. The "not napping anymore" phase. For me it's perpetual; as soon as one child moves on from a phase another one usually enters it. Potty training has been a constant in my life for almost 10 years. So have all of the other "phases" that mothers of young children face.

 Some days by the time all of the munchkins go home, I am so bone weary from serving and caring for others all day that I feel like if I am required to do ONE more thing for one more person, there will literally not be anything left of me.

But I have 2 girls. 2 girls that had to share their mom with other children all day. Who had to wait their turn to sit on my lap. Who didn't get to hold my hand today on our walk. Who had to call "Mommy, mommy" more times than they should have before I was actually able to respond. 2 girls who watched me tend to a houseful of children all day long and have been waiting for my undivided attention.

So I push on, and force myself to keep going for them. I make a homemade dinner when I really just want to slap some peanut butter on bread and call it good enough. I read books to them even though I have already read many today, each time with a full lap and boney little elbows jabbing into me from either side. I change a diaper even though I've already changed 10. I clean up, do the dishes, and fold a load of tiny laundry even though my bed is calling me and the weariness is almost overwhelming.

And when I finally do crawl into bed, knowing that more of the same will be there to greet me in the morning . . . I remind myself it's just a season.

One day I will be in another season of life. One where there are no little fingers messing up my windows because a doggy is walking by or the garbage man is coming. No little voices calling me from the bathroom or diapers needing to be changed. No spoons being thrown on the floor, no cups of milk spilled across the table. There won't be any little voices chiming in while I read Dr. Suess, and there won't be 8 little pairs of rubber boots lining my entry way. One day I will go for a walk and it will just be me . . . no stroller for 6 being pushed and no tiny hands gripping mine on either side. One day my floors will not be strewn about with toys and when I clean something it will actually stay clean for more than 5 minutes.

And I know I will miss it.

So maybe today I sigh when I clean up the milk that is dripping from the table. Maybe I am not as patient as I should be when the 3 year old interrupts our story for the millionth time. Maybe I will feel frustrated as I wipe yet another perpetually runny nose or spend half an hour putting on snowsuits just for 15 minutes of sanity time in the frozen back yard. But I know that one day when it's all over, I will look back on this season I am currently in . . . and I will miss it.

Thursday Thankfuls

Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth. Serve the LORD with gladness; Come before Him with joyful singing. Know that the LORD Himself is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving, And His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him; bless His name. For the LORD is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting, And His faithfulness to all generations.

-Psalm 100

A week ago my heart was heavy. I was in the middle of a storm of life - I felt waves crashing over me on every side. Almost every aspect of my life was under some sort of stress or worry. My jaw was perpetually aching and I was popping Tylenol daily. My chest was always tight and I sometimes found myself gasping for breath or having to consciously take gulps of air in order to combat the feeling that I couldn't breathe. I was holding back tears all day long and laying awake most of the night.

How different this week feels!

Every one of my worries, every stress, every situation I lost sleep over has been resolved. My jaw is not longer aching and my chest has lost the feeling of tightness. I slept well last night for the first time in several weeks. 

My heart feels light; my attitude is positive and my soul is singing. 

Part of me also feels foolish. Why did I worry? When will I learn to place my trust completely in my Heavenly Father and leave my burdens at the cross instead of continually picking them back up again? He answered each one of my prayers and He took care of all the situations that I laid at His feet. So why did I lose sleep over them when He had it all under control? Why was my jaw aching and why did my dentist say I have ground my back teeth down significantly in the last 6 months? 

Because I don't fully trust. I have gotten better at running to my Heavenly Father with my worries and my needs. I have learned to cast my cares, give my burdens up to Him and to turn to His Word as a source of comfort. But I haven't learned yet how to STAY in that place. How to rest in His peace when everything around me is falling apart. I keep going back to that cross and picking up my worries and trying to carry them on my own shoulders - thinking that I know better than God. Believing that He doesn't have my back, that He isn't going to come through so I'd better take matters into my own hands.

And all it does is leave me with worn down teeth, an aching jaw, a sick stomach and severely sleep deprived. When will I learn that I cannot do for myself what my Heavenly Father can? It's so hard to remember that His timing is not ours and that just because things aren't sorted out when I think they should be that He is still on His throne.

So today my spirit soars, and my soul is singing praises of thanksgiving. And I hope that next time the storm rages, I will be able to lay down my burdens at the cross and leave them there. He has it all under control, and there is no need for me to fight a battle that has already been won.

For this I am thankful.

Thursday Thankfuls

- The sound of my husband stacking firewood outside my window. I love the fact that he is home during the day and that he is working hard around the house.

-For quiet time. Today all the stars aligned and every. single. one. of the children here today are either sleeping or quietly looking at books. I am taking advantage of a few quiet minutes and soaking them in, so that I can power through the rest of what will be a very busy day.

-A word from God. For a while now I have been feeling like God is silent in my life, and my prayer life has been stagnant, my Bible reading has been flat. This morning I clearly heard from God and although it wasn't what I was expecting to hear, I am so thankful that He spoke and that I was able to hear in those 10 stolen minutes at the breakfast table this morning when I opened my Bible.

-For tea lattes. I make them often now and there is just something about that foamy topping on a mug of my favorite David's Tea that makes it seem like a treat. (I totally cheat and just shake my milk until it foams and then microwave it, but it tastes great to me!)

-For a high end washer and dryer. When we moved into this house it came with a brand new washer and dryer. Today alone I have washed and dried diapers, a load of clothes, and two sets of soaking wet pants and socks and one pair of soaking wet shoes. Boo for everything being soaking wet outside all the time - I can't keep the babies out of the puddles that collect on all the toys and equipment and they always end up drenched. But yay for a dryer that dries those wet clothes quickly and sings me a little song when it's done!

Currently . . .

Listening to : a sermon series called Starting Point from North Point Community Church. You can find them here

Reading :   I am really enjoying the second book in the Sword and The Staff trilogy called The Hero's Lot 

Waiting For : some BIG life changes coming around the bend. More on that in the future.


 Excited About : Fall. It's my favorite season and I am really enjoying being outside in the cooler weather as the heat and I do not get along. We have had a few fires in the back yard and there is nothing better to me than drinking coffee out of a thermos while roasting marshmallows around a nice fire. I am excited to start making comfort food for dinner again; lasagne soup, roast in the crockpot, squash and sweet potatoes, stew and biscuits. Mmmm.


Trying : To get myself back into the habit of doing devotions every morning. I had gotten out of the habit because sleep seemed to be more of a priority for a while, but God has decided to help me with that by having Emma decide to wake up at 5 am every single morning now. At first I was really annoyed, but I have started to take advantage of the time and spend 30 minutes with God every morning after I tend to Emma and I have to say, it's definitely worth the sleep loss.

I remember hearing something once, I think it was Beth Moore who said that God just can't WAIT for you to get up in the morning to talk to you. She said she encourages people to think about God, anxiously waiting for them as if He is a child on Christmas morning, to get up and spend time with Him. It is definitely a helpful mental picture to have when you are tempted to hit the snooze button. "I can't sleep in, God's waiting for me!"


Working On : Some fall decor for the shop. A cute lantern, some candlestick cloches.


Enjoying: My "Leaves" candle from Bath and Bodyworks.

Wearing: This necklace that I got when I hosted a Lia Sophia party . . . it seems to go with everything and I love a good long necklace!


Planning: My Christmas shopping. I've already started, but I would like to finish our gifts for the girls in October so that when the Christmas panic sets in, we at least have them taken care of already. We decided to try following the Want, Need, Wear, Read idea this year and so far we are loving it. In case you aren't familiar with it - each child receives 4 presents; something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read. I am finding having some guidelines is very helpful, and I feel like we are much more purposeful in our choices rather than "This crappy plastic toy looks neat, lets get it!"


Starting: I have been slowly working my way around the house, scrubbing floors by hand. I mop regularly but nothing is quite like a good hands and knees scrub! This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but I have a kneecap that dislocates frequently, which means that I am not allowed to actually get down on my hands and knees. Ever. So I scrub floors bending over at the waist, which as you can imagine is pretty hard on your back! It's tough to do, but it feels good to finally give my floors a good deep down clean.



Wishing :  I could be sure of God's will in a certain area of my life. I have been praying and seeking His will for several months now over a particular decision I have to make and I feel as though He is silent about it.


Doing : A lot of working! I currently work about 50 hours a week running my daycare if you include all of my hours cleaning, shopping, and preparing. And I also work 12-18 hours a month at a small local shop where I sell things I have refinished or created. Another 5-10 hours a month are spent actually creating those things, and I am about to get a lot busier with it so those hours are going to expand. I am very grateful that the majority of those hours are still spent at home with my girls!

"What are you doing in there?"

I keep a journal. Not very well, but I do keep it. I go for weeks without writing anything, and other days I furiously scribble half a dozen pages. Whenever I feel like I have something on my heart that I want to remember or that I need to work out, I write it. Writing it out makes things that I want to remember "stick" better, and it helps me sort out my feelings and thoughts when they seem like nothing but a jumbled mess.

Yesterday I flipped through the last few months of writings.

I don't know how I missed it all this time. Every single entry had a common thread. Every single page was speaking to me about the same thing. Every quote I had copied down, every verse I wrote out, every note from every sermon I listened to.

All of it, read together in one continuous stream was such a powerful message FROM myself TO myself that I actually had to stop reading and take a break because my brain was on overload.

How many times I have complained that I felt like God was silent in my life lately. Like this is a season of nothing but waiting, learning to be content in my present circumstances.

And I was so wrong.

All this time, God has been whispering the same message to me over and over again and I have been missing it. Well, I partially heard I guess. Enough to think "that's interesting" and write it down, but I never actually GOT what God was saying to me.

I'm going to try to share what I found in the pages of my journal. Forgive me if it is a bit rambly and doesn't make sense. It makes sense to me and that's what matters most.



God is calling me out.

For so long, I have felt depressed and sad. Stuck. Stuck is the perfect word.  Stuck in a phase of life that is hard. The days are long. Spinning my wheels in several different areas of my life where I WANT to move forward, make progress, and CHANGE. But I felt like God was telling me to wait and be patient.

Why did I think that? He was clearly telling me otherwise.

I was listening to a sermon this morning that summed it up beautifully. When life gets overwhelming, we always run. Sometimes we run into the arms of our heavenly Father and other times we retreat into our cave.

I've been hiding in my cave, and God has been standing at the entrance calling me out.

Elijah did it in 1 Kings chapter 19.

"There he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and He said to him, What are you doing here, Elijah?"

Earlier in the chapter we learn that Elijah was afraid for his life. He ran and hid in a cave. He didn't trust his God to keep him safe, and instead went running deep into a cave. Until God came and stood at the mouth of the cave and asked him "What are you doing here?" and called him out.

David hid in a cave too. 1 Samuel chapter 22

"David departed from there and escaped to the cave of Adullam."

David was running scared from King Saul. He didn't trust God to keep him safe or to guide his steps, so instead he hid. And when he left the cave he only did so he could hide in the stronghold of Mizpeh. Only when the prophet Gad said "Do not remain in the stronghold; depart" did he finally get up the courage to come out of hiding.

Your cave is probably different than my cave, but we all have them. Your cave might be some form of addiction. It might be an attitude you carry around like a backpack. Your cave is whatever you run to when you are not OK. It's your substitute for God - whether it's that brownie you stuff into your mouth after a stressful phone call or that impulse you have to pull into the nearest shopping mall when you have a bad day. A shopping mall can be a cave. Alcohol can be a cave. Food can be a cave.

I've been in a cave, of sorts, for a long time. And God has been standing at the entrance saying "Why are you hiding in there? Why are you afraid? Don't you know I've got this? Come to me, my arms are where you need to run. Don't run farther away from me when life get hard, run TO me. I'm out here waiting for you but you have to come out of the cave first."

My journal is evidence of what God has been trying to tell me. Telling me to stop hiding and trust him, run to my heavenly Father who is ON MY SIDE.

Here are some snippets. . .

-God has good plans for me and my future. He is faithful even when I'm not

-So we can say with confidence, the Lord is my help. I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? Hebrews 13:6

-The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in You, for You O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:9-10

-It is God's very nature to give to His children. Do nott doubt for a moment that He is a giving God with a heart that looks to bless, encourage, empower, and love you.

-Shake off complacency. God wants to lead and guide you. He wants to prompt you about what to do and what not to do (quote from Joyce Meyer)

-Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

-Don't mistake God's patience for His absence. His timing is perfect and His presence is constant.



It goes on and on. God was repeatedly drawing my attention to the same message . . . turn to Him. Stop running, stop hiding and just turn to Him. Step out of the cave and be bold. Throw off complacency and start moving forward. Be bold! Quit running into the shadows and step into the light.

So this week I am committing to stop just writing down verses and nodding my head in agreement to powerful sermons. this week I am grabbing hold of His promises with both hands and stepping out of the cave.

It might be a little bit scary. Our cave is what we like to fall back on when life gets rough. Without our cave we lose our coping mechanism, our security blanket. But I know I am replacing my security blanket with something much better.

I'm stepping out of my cave.

And into the arms of my Father.

My "Being OK" story . . .

7 months ago, I would have said I was fine. Not GREAT, but fine. Life was busy and sometimes stressful, but overall I was enjoying life. I was OK with where I was.

7 months ago, we welcomed our second daughter into the world. And she was perfect, and I loved her fiercely from the first second I laid eyes on her. She has been an absolute joy ever since.

But along with that amazing little bundle, came a flood of hormones and emotions that weren't so amazing.

The first weeks after Emma was born I was very emotional. I remember one night when she was a few weeks old, my husband came home from work and we were having a conversation about how his day was. Tears began to roll onto my cheeks, unbidden. I kept reassuring him that "No, no, I am fine. I'm not even sad I just can't stop crying!"

The random crying jags came to an end, but the crazy hormonal roller coaster only accelerated. I went back to work running a busy daycare in the lower level of our home when Emma was not quite 8 weeks old and the added stress and pressure of suddenly working 9-10 hour days combined with my already fragile emotional state brought me to my breaking point.

There wasn't one particular thing that was awful. Work, although very busy and demanding of me, was going well and I was getting to spend my days with my daughters. My husband was home on parental leave lending a hand and helping with Emma during the night so I could get some sleep. My older daughter had adjusted well to the new baby and Emma was proving to be a very contented happy little thing.

So what was it? I don't know exactly. I think it was just too much of everything. Adjusting to being a mom of 2, instead of 1. Having a husband suddenly around and underfoot, messing with my routine and my quiet during the day. Going back to work before I was ready because I felt pressured to. Working too many hours on too little sleep. Doing all of the cleaning and housework after becoming accustomed to a weekly housekeeper that we could no longer afford, because of the husband's parental leave. Taking on a second job on the weekends so that we can afford a bathroom renovation.

All I know is, I suddenly found myself sobbing behind the wheel of my car in the driveway late at night so no one would hear me. Crying myself to sleep at night. Struggling to get up in the mornings because I was dreading the day ahead. Slogging my way through each day, losing my temper, having a bad attitude, and feeling incredibly sorry for myself all the while.

I had added 29 Lincoln Avenue to my blog reader, after reading "Hope For The Weary Mom" earlier this year and one morning I was scrolling through my blog reader when I saw "How To Be OK With Where You Are" in big letters.

 I froze.

 I stared at the screen for a minute and then clicked.

Every Monday in the weeks that followed I went to my computer and read Stacey's posts. Really read them. Digested them. Took notes, copied quotes into my prayer journal.

And I prayed.

It took me a few weeks but one night I finally admitted to my husband and, in a way, to myself that I was not ok. And I admitted it to God. Like Stacey said, He already knows - you can't surprise God! Even if He wasn't surprised, there is a freedom in admitting it to Him that comes with humbling yourself enough to look, truly look, at yourself. He looks down and sees us, buried up to our neck in our mess, and yet so many times we just dress it up and pretend it's not really there.

It's only when we finally acknowledge just what a fine mess we are in that He can rescue us.

And He is doing just that. As I work through removing my veil of fine and giving it up to the One who knows anyway, I am finding release. I would be lying if I said I sit here, totally ok and happy with where I am. I'm not. Not yet.

But God isn't finished with me yet. He's still working. And I am inching my way out of this mess . . . some days clinging, rather than standing on the promises. Some days the comparison monster rears it ugly head and I find myself fighting insane jealousy toward my true "stay at home mom" friends who don't work 2 jobs. Some days I fail miserably at everything and I go to bed feeling like a total failure and I am not even sure where I am going to find the energy to face the morning.

But He is always faithful. I may be stumbling and taking steps in the wrong direction half the time, but He is leading me out of this.


You can buy Stacey's new book on Amazon!

Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up. God is our salvation.

 -Psalm 68:19

(this post contains Amazon affiliate links)

Currently Burning

Currently I am burning this jar candle I found at Target.

It's Island Moonlight by Illume. It's a soy candle that contains notes of ruby cassis, valencia orange and sandalwood, and it smells exactly like walking into an Anthropologie store, or at least it does to me!


I chose it because I loved the scent, but to be honest I have not been that impressed. The scent throw is not very good at all - I don't like my candles to be too strong smelling because I can get headaches from overpowering scents, but this one was even too wimpy for my liking. It barely scented the living room, when usually the entire upper floor of our home will be filled with scent when I have something burning . . . sometimes even downstairs!

It also is not melting evenly. I hate it when a candle "tunnels" down the middle and doesn't burn evenly to the edges of the jar because it really shortens the life of the candle and so much wax is wasted.

It does smell just as wonderful when it is burning as it did when I first sniffed it in the store, but overall, I'm not loving it. I won't be repurchasing.

Things Motherhood Has Taught Me #1

That my kitchen sink will overflow almost exactly 20 minutes after I walk away from running the dishwater.

Apparently I should not just "Run up and grab the baby because she's crying" without turning off the water first. Thank goodness my sink was designed to overflow into the second basin first before sloshing onto the floor because after I grabbed the baby, I also changed a diaper and sat down to watch the last 15 minutes of Land Before Time with Brook . . . I didn't remember that I had started running the dishwater until I was walking down the hallway and heard the sound of water dripping.

Actually, I didn't remember then either. I had no idea where the sound was coming from and I checked the garage first; it wasn't until I walked into the kitchen and saw the bubbles floating over the edge of the counter and down my cabinets that I remembered.


Now I know.

Thrift Store Finds

This afternoon I got to indulge in one of my favorite past-times - thrift store shopping!

My thrift store options are pretty limited, but we do have one store that I always seem to find great stuff at; too bad it's also the one with the highest prices. But I remind myself that the money goes to charity and I still regularly find amazing deals, I just keep in mind that certain departments or types of items are way overpriced and try not to let the thrill of thrifting cause me to throw those overpriced items into my cart. Today I found some silver trays priced at $19.99 and a Gap toddler dress for $12.99! Seriously? If I had $20 to drop on a tray the first place I would shop would NOT be the local thrift store. What happened to $2.99?


Anyway. . .


I also found some affordable things that DID make it into my cart. And just before I headed to the front to check out, a lovely lady approached me and said "Excuse me, do you want my coupon? I didn't find anything I wanted today." I can imagine what she thought when she saw me standing there browsing the women's jeans while rolling my cart back and forth with one hand as Emma fussed in her carseat and I tried to balance a mountain of clothes, VHS kids movies, a pair of Cinderella shoes for Brook, and some random decor items that were draped over the handle. I had my diaper bag over one shoulder and I was clutching my keys with the same hand that was rocking the cart because I am a chronic key loser and I've learned that when I am out shopping the safest bet is to keep them in my hand at all times. I can imagine what a stressed out mess I must have looked like and she was probably taking pity on me!


The coupon was for 30% off my entire purchase which was a nice surprise! I was very grateful for the lovely stranger who made my day.

Brook needed some bottoms for summer, and I found a pair of capris, a pair of Old Navy shorts and an Old Navy jean skirt. With the coupon, these all came to just over $8!

I also found a Gap sundress for Brook and a tiny white Baby Gap top for Emma that looks like it has never been worn

With the discount these were only $4.88!

I also got the above mentioned plastic princess shoes, and 5 VHS movies. Yes, I admit I still have a VHS player! I keep it in the daycare for our movie days - the kids love watching classic Disney movies and I can pick them up for around a dollar each which makes me happy! 

I also got this embroidery hoop which I plan on making something crafty with to add to Brook's wall collage above her bed. I will share a post when it's completed!

A Saturday afternoon spent browsing my favorite store was the perfect way to kick off my weekend! The only thing that could make it better would be some time to get crafty and finish some DIY projects - hopefully tomorrow!

Chalkboard Paint Tips

Chalkboards are a big thing in the DIY world lately, largely due to Pinterest and the fact that most paint brands now carry cans of chalkboard paint; some brands like Benjamin Moore are even tinting them every colour in their paint line!

I've made a lot of chalkboards, and a few friends have asked me why their homemade chalkboards didn't turn out like mine, or why the writing doesn't seem to erase fully. They blame it on being a homemade chalkboard but really it's just that they didn't know a few tips and tricks of working with chalkboard paint. If done correctly, a homemade chalkboard looks and works just as well as one from a store!

Here are my top tips for DIY'ing with chalkboard paint.





1. Stir carefully.

Chalkboard paint can "break" just like a delicate sauce you cook on the stovetop. There is no need for vigirous shaking or stirring, just gently stir with a paint stir stick until it looks smooth.


2. Prep your surface.

If your surface is not smooth, your chalkboard won't be either. If you are painting a chalkboard wall I recommend you give it a light sanding and wipe with a damp cloth before painting. If you are wanting to create a chalkboard, choose a surface that is perfectly smooth. I like to use thin sheets of hardboard that are finished on one side, but I have also painted on glass (perfect for making chalkboard frames because you can just paint the glass insert in a photo frame).


3. Just like regular paint, it's better to do several thin coats than one thick, gloppy coat.

I find using a dense foam roller is the best way to avoid visible lines and get the smoothest finish. Chalkboard paint is thicker than most paint, so it's very easy to over apply it. I like to do 3-4 very thin coats for a nice smooth finish, making long straight strokes with the foam roller rather than just rolling it on all willy nilly or in the "W" shape that is recommended when using regular paint.


3. Resist the urge to try it out right away.

Give your new chalkboard at least 2 days to fully cure before whipping out the chalk


4. Season your surface

The first thing you should do when your chalkboard is ready to use, is to rub a piece of chalk all over the surface. Wipe it off with a dry cloth, and you are left with a slightly dirty looking chalkboard. NOW it's ready to decorate! If you draw or write on a freshly painted chalkboard surface without seasoning it first, you will always see what you first created no matter how many times you erase it. Chalkboard paint is dimpled and textured like the pores on your face. Filling them all in evenly with chalk dust ensures that your surface will always look even and future creations will wipe off easily.

Tried It Tuesday - Polishing Brass

A few months ago I picked up an old dresser, complete with brass plated hardware that I knew would be beautiful, once it got shined up a little.


I know I could have bought some brass polish and be done with it, but the DIY'er in me wanted to see if I could polish it up with something I already had on hand, rather than buying a big container of Brasso that I would have no further use for.

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So, Pinterest to the rescue.


After removing the hardware, I tried soaking it in lemon juice and then scrubbing with a soft cloth.

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No change. Or if there was, it wasn't noticable to me.

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Next up - a paste made from vinegar, salt, and flour.

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I mixed it all up together according to the directions, and slathered it all over the hardware.

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 30 minutes later, I washed them off and they didn't look any different.

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Now I was getting frustrated.


I decided to wing it and pulled out some S.O.S. pads I had kicking around under the sink.  I was nervous it might scratch the finish, but honestly it was already scratched and even worn completely off in some places ( which is fine with me ) so I figured I had nothing to lose.

It worked! A quick scrub with the S.O.S. pad and a rinse under some warm water and they were shiny once more! They still have a worn look to them, as they are only brass plated and the finish has worn off in spots and is still dark in all of the grooves - perfect for a shabby chic lover like me!

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Baby Essentials

I hesitated to call this list "Essentials", because what is essential to one person may not be for someone else. In fact, I found that some of my favorite things when Brooklyn was a baby have been all but ignored this time around. Different babies = different needs. For example when Brook was a baby, I loved the sleepers that had the little fold-over sleeves because she was forever scratching herself with her long fingernails. Emma hasn't even needed a single clipping of her nails yet, and has never scratched herself so I've only folded her hands into the little sleeves a few times, usually at night when her hands get cold because she hates having them swaddled.

So consider this a roundup of my favorite items for the newborn stage - you decide for yourself which ones are essential or not!





1. Receiving blankets/burp cloths.

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When I was pregnant with Brooklyn, my mom sewed us about a dozen huge receiving blankets, and she made us another set when Emma was born! On any given day, you will find these strewn all about the house; we use them for E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.


 - To tuck under her chin when she eats; she's a messy eater and gets milk all over her clothes otherwise

 - To lay over my shoulder when I burp her, or when she's sick and her nose is running. Keeps my clothes clean :)

 - We have a receiving blanket rolled up inside her carseat. The infant head support is still too large for her, so this helps fill in the gap and makes sure she fits nice and snug inside.

 - We also use a second receiving blanket to tuck her into her carseat. She tends to be quite warm, and using a heavy blanket means that she just gets overheated and fussy.

 - When Brooklyn was a baby, her lamp was too bright and we used to drape a receiving blanket over the shade for middle of the night diaper changes. Not sure I'd recommend that, as it could be a fire hazard but in our sleep deprivation it seemed to do the trick.

 - I also lay one down on her change pad if I expect that it's going to be a particularly messy diaper change. We have two removable change pad covers that are washable, but it seems like in those first few weeks we were spending more time changing and washing those covers and they were rarely ever on the change pad for diaper changes because they were always in the wash. A receiving blanket is easy to lay down first and much easier in my opinion to toss in the wash. Keeps my fancy covers clean and looking cute :)

 - Who needs expensive swaddle blankets? Ask the nurse at the hospital to give you a quick tutorial on how to get a tight wrap, and a receiving blanket works quite nicely.

 - The large receiving blankets make perfect nursing covers!



 I could go on all day, but let's just say we find them very useful and I would recommend having a lot of them, especially the really large ones.




2. Cloth wipes.

Source: lebabyshop.com

Even if you choose not to use cloth diapers, having a few cloth wipes on hand is a really good idea. If baby gets a diaper rash, a soft damp cloth is so much gentler on their sore bottom than a chemical filled, scented cold disposable wipe.

I have also learned that they get the job done so much faster. One cloth wipe ( I just use baby washcloths, but any soft material cut into squares will work) can do the job of 3 or 4 disposable wipes. They really do clean up messes much faster and easier!




3. Fisher Price Cradle N Swing

We have most of the typical baby gear . . . a vibrating bouncy chair, a jolly jumper, a bumbo chair, a playmat. But the place where both my girls have spent the most time is definitely this swing. In fact, the first two weeks Emma slept in her swing all night long. She seemed to need to be snuggled, and if she wasn't in our arms she would just cry. Laying her down, even swaddled, in a flat bassinet or crib just wasn't cutting it for her. Our swing is contoured on the sides and has an infant head support, so she feels like she is being held when she lays in it. Those first weeks when she was so teeny and new, the swing seemed to be the only place she felt safe. Everywhere else she would throw up her little arms in alarm as if she felt like she were falling.

I love this swing specifically because it plugs in. Swings that only run on batteries can cost a lot of money if you are constantly needing to buy replacements, as most of them use 4 D batteries at one time! We love that we don't have to keep purchasing batteries, but we have the option to use batteries if we need to (it's great when the power goes out!) I also love that it has the option to swing in two different directions and it comes with tons of options for sound effects and music.




4. A sling or wrap.

I have a Peanut Shell  classic sling and I highly recommend it simply because it's easy. No tying and wrapping, no adjusting of any straps or anything. Just fold it in half, slip it on and baby goes right inside. Easy peasy.

 When you have a new baby you will find yourself saying things like "I can never get anything done around here" and "I didn't get anything done today".

 Well, this sling is how you get "anything done".

 Even at her fussiest, I can pop Emma in here and she calms right down. I also really like that I can get in my snuggle time and watch her WHILE I get things done; sometimes I feel guilty if she lays in her swing for too long because she's all alone. The sling lets me have my hands free but we are still getting in some good bonding time as well. Win win!



5.Gumdrops pacifiers

Source :doubledutymommy19.blogspot.com

Brooklyn wasn't too picky with her pacifiers; we had several different styles and she took anything. Emma was much more particular. We had bought a package of these and she used them a few times during her first few weeks. I bought another package of Gerber pacifiers that had a contoured nipple and she would choke and gag whenever we offered her one. I tried a Nuk, and she had the same reaction. Instant gagging and choking. Back to the rounded Gumdrop pacifier, and she latched on happily. They are the clear winner for this little girl!

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6. Live Clean Baby products

Source: makeupandbeautyblog.com

I've tried it all, from Burt's Bees to fancy organic lines to Aveeno to Johnson's. And this stuff beats them all hands down. It's super gentle, smells great - SO MANY baby products smell like great grandma's perfume, why is that? and is natural. Best of all, it's very inexpensive - I get mine at Walmart and it's reguarly on sale too!



7. A good stroller

When Brook was born, we were given a hand me down travel system. It was fine, honestly, but I really wanted a stroller with big tires. Our little town has a lot of rough curbs and big pot holes and I also did a lot of walking on gravel and muddy roads and the travel system really struggled. It was also gosh darn ugly to boot. When a neighborhood cat decided to start peeing on it, that was the end for me. I could not get the cat pee smell out, so we bought a used sit and stand stroller. I loved it, but again it had tiny wheels and was so long that it was really awkward to steer, especially in the mall or a store.

I also had a double jogger stroller that was given to me 3rd or 4th hand. Last summer I finally just sold all three strollers, and bought a used Phil and Teds E3 with a doubles kit. It was almost $400 used, which seemed so silly to me for a stroller. But honestly, it was worth it. Every time I use it, I say "Thank GOD we finally have a good stroller." What a difference in how it pushes and steers!

I've talked to several other moms who have had similar experiences. They wasted hundreds of dollars buying different strollers trying to save money but never finding a good one. Then finally they bite the bullet and splurged on a high end stroller. In the long run, it would have been cheaper to just buy a high end stroller to begin with!

I highly recommend splurging on a good stroller, whether it is Phil and Ted's or not. I am a huge fan of buying used and making do with what you have, and with all the other baby gear (play pen, high chair, jolly jumper, toys, and clothes) aside from carseats. I still say that you get the most bang for your buck by purchasing gently used. But don't waste your breath on that $80 bargain stroller from Walmart - find a high end stroller on Craigslist or Kijiji and get it! You won't regret it, and you can re-sell it down the road for a good portion of what you paid for it.

An Ombre' Dresser

Remember when I gave myself a deadline to finish 3 projects that had been lingering in the garage for way too long?


Well, I'm happy to report that I finished one! The dresser is finally out of the garage and in Brook's room where it belongs.


Last week I dug out my paint swatches, spread them out across Brook's bed and chose one that matched perfectly to the pink in her bedspread. A quick trip to the paint store while the Mister gave the dresser a light sanding and a coat of primer, and we were in business!

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I painted the bottom drawer first, and then poured some paint into a paint tray and added a splash of white. A quick stir and I painted the next drawer. Another splash of white paint, stir, and repeat.

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It's not perfect, but I am pretty pleased with how it turned out! It was a good way to step outside of my comfort zone, which is white, white, and more white.

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Organizing Baby Things, Part 1

Babies come with a lot of stuff.


And they grow so fast - meaning almost as soon as you've organized one size of clothing, diapers, shoes, and hats suddenly overnight they have outgrown it and you are packing those things away and bringing out larger ones. It's a constant cycle.


And it's not only clothes! Babies go from swings and bouncy chairs to jolly jumpers and walkers. A highchair to a booster chair. Bottles to sippy cups, milk to solids . . . their first years seem to be a constant rotation of supplies and gear to meet their ever changing needs.


I thought I would do a series of posts sharing how I organize and store all of our baby things, and give you all of the little tips and tricks I have learned along the way!


Our first stop is Emma's dresser.

We opted for a long dresser instead of a changing table. I am still so grateful that we made that decision when buying our furniture during my first pregnancy four years ago: it has served us so well! A changing table is so limited in its use - before you know it, your toddler has become potty trained and suddenly your changing table has become a useless piece of expensive furniture and you now need to find a new place to store all of the things you had once stashed on its shelves.


Not so with a dresser. This piece can grow with Emma for the rest of her years growing up, or it can be repurposed somewhere else in our home down the line. It would make a great tv stand in our family room, or a buffet style server in the dining room. It could even function in the entryway as a place to store hats and scarves and drop our keys.


We topped the dresser with an inexpensive changing pad, and all of our diaper changing supplies are kept in the top left drawer so we can easily access everything we need without having a lot of clutter all over the top.

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This drawer holds all of her diapers ( we use disposables until she can fit into our cloth diapers, more on that later) and anything else she might need during a diaper change or getting ready for the day. I keep Vaseline, a pair of baby nail scissors, baby lotions and diaper cream along with a pack of Scentsy Newborn Nursery wax that I use in her Scentsy warmer - it smells just like baby powder! There is also a stack of baby wash cloths that I get wet and use in place of disposable baby wipes. Much softer on her sensitive little tushie and cheap too!

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The other top drawer holds all of her onesies on the far right. In the middle I have all of the hats that currently fit her at the back, and a stack of bibs at the front. It's never too early for bibs - I've learned they work great to protect her clothes from all of the dribbles and spills during feedings so I spend less time scrubbing out stains from around the neck of all of her outfits. On the left are some teeny tiny tights at the back, and in the front I cut down an instant oatmeal box to contain her tiny baby socks. Maybe not the prettiest storage solution, but I love cutting down empty food boxes to create my own drawer organizers because it's free and I am usually the only person to see the inside of my drawers anyway!

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Below her diapers I store all of her clothes, which right now consists of about a dozen newborn size sleepers and two teeny tiny newborn dresses that she wears to church on Sundays. I cannot wait until she grows big enough for pants!!! 

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Underneath her clothes are the receiving blankets. A whole drawer full of receiving blankets? Yes ma'am! These puppies are essential to me, especially during the first few months. I use them to swaddle her when she sleeps, to tuck around her in the carseat when we go out and a heavy blanket would be too warm, to drape over the carseat to keep the sun out, to lay down on the change pad to protect my white covers when I know she's had a big blowout. They make the perfect nursing covers too!

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On the right side, I keep our cloth diapers. Emma is still so small that these diapers go up to her armpits, so we are using disposables until she grows a little more. I have a mix of Fuzzibunz and Bumgenius and I cannot say enough about how much we love our cloth diapers; I will do a post in the future all about them.

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Below that is a drawer full of blankets. I also keep her crib sheets and spare change pad covers at the back.

Stay tuned for more posts on organizing all of that baby gear! Up next - the diaper bag!